Should we have a baby, even if we do not feel ready?

Question

My wife and I both feel that we are not ready to have kids.

However due to our age - both approaching 34/5, we are aware that the risks of waiting a couple of years more (infertilty, reduced no. of eggs, harder to conceive etc etc) are significant. Should we just go ahead with it even though we know we both feel this way?

What are peoples thoughts / experience on this?

Answer 1

I'm not sure anyone ever feels ready to have kids. Look at some other issues to help you make your decision.

1. Do you want kids for sure?

2. Are you financially able to support a child?

3. How is your marriage?

4. How will kids affect your career, lifestyle, etc?

Don't get caught up in having cold feet. Having a baby is a huge decision so nerves are normal. Just look closer to make sure there aren't other issues that are holding you back. If there is something specific that is bothering you, work on resolving that one issue.

Answer 2

well, i'd ask this instead of "are you ready"

ask yourselves "do we want kids??"



there's a difference...if you want kids, then go for it! when i married my husband we got a surprise right away. the thing is, we weren't necessarily ready, but i now know, that i may never have been "ready". i don't know if i ever would have had that feeling like "o.k. i'm ready, let's have a baby."



i think people try to plan too much these days. when i look at childhood pictures, i see old dress up clothes, paint chipped door jambs, old carpet that needs replaced....etc.

i also see 3 kids (i have a sister and brother) who were having a ball being kids and not giving a hoot that the door needed painted and the carpet needed replaced. we didn't care that our dress up clothes weren't brand new from the store. it was fun to wear our mother's flapper dresses!!



so, my point it....you may never have that feeling "o.k. we are ready", b/c no matter what the thought of having a kid can be down right terrifying. however, i can tell you that once you have it, you are so ready b/c you love that little person so much.



so....do you want to have kids....ever??? if so, then have them!!!

take one last vacation somewhere great and live up the last times you have as just the 2 of you and get pregnant!



take care and happy holidays!



p.s. make sure she is monitored as a "high risk" pregnancy. once a woman hits a certain age, then she should be considered a "high risk" pregnancy. it's not a bad thing, it's just a little more monitoring of what's going on.

Answer 3

I can see where you're worried that your "clock" is ticking towards a stop. However, if you're not ready then don't have children. A lot of birth defects are also a factor in women over 35, predominantly down syndrome. If you ever do decide to have kids, there are fertility clinics which will be able to help. Or if you can find it in your heart, there will always be children out there whose parents didn't want them. I became a mother a little too soon because I didn't believe an abortion was right for me. I wouldn't trade my sons for ANYTHING in the world but I do wish I had waited a little longer or that circumstances were right. You don't want to have a baby and wonder what "could have been" had you waited. Regardless of age, you're both waiting for some reason.

Answer 4

My answer to that would be no. It would be selfish of you to bring a child into this world just because. There are plenty of people that were not ready to be parents that "end up" having kids and the kids suffer in the long run. It is a mental journey and it's not easy but for me it was a blessing. I wasn't completely ready and I was 25 when my daughter was born, I felt there were so many things I could have done but now almost a year later I feel that she was the best thing that happened to me. It's changes you, well it changed me for the better. But to each there own. I would say just really think about your life and the sacrifices you are willing to make to bring a child into this world..There are only a few that were really "ready" to have kids.

Answer 5

Ah that old body clock ticking thing is getting to you... Now heres

my thoughts on this one ...

No one should have a child just because they feel time is running

out and they fear their eggs may curdle

Ask yourself this.Are you in love with each other enoughto share they joys (and depressions) of becoming parents

No amount of money in the bank is EVER enough to say its the right time to have a child - you will allways be broke when a parent.

Are you prepared to accept that IF you wait longer that you COULD have problems - its a risk but be sure you feel its worth taking.

DO NOT bow to the pressure of those wishing to become a grandparent or aunt - It is not their right to push you.

Your lifesytle will change but discuss how much it will - will one of you work or will it be both???

Discuss how you see your lives with and without children.

I waited many years for my kids - and the only thing i would say is I enjoyed being an older parent as I felt I had more patience

and less longing for things I could no longer do beause of the constraints of parenthood.

Whatever your decision I hope its one you BOTH agree on.

I was diagnosed as infertile at the age of 25 so waited until i was in my mid 30's to adopt and I have got to say my kids are the greatest joy in my life - but I know that a couple must BOTH be

sure of their decision whatever it may be - good luck

Answer 6

I think it depends what you mean when you say, "Not ready."



If you are like I am and you still very much LOVE your independence and freedom (sleeping in late, being able to jet off somewhere at the last minute, etc.) I would say to definitely not have a child because you may end up resenting him/her and that makes for unhappy parents and children!



However, if you just are nervous about being a parent and are having thoughts along those lines but you really are also excited about having a child then you might want to explore those reasons more to come to a decision.



No one can tell you what's right for you. And I dont think I can give you sound advice without finding out more from you. Do what you feel in your gut. But I definitely think that, in general, if you are feeling like you arent ready, then the answer should be, "No."

Answer 7

Deciding to have children is a really big step in any relationship and its good that you are considering all of the things that you are. No one can really answer this question for you but since you asked for some opinion here is mine. In my experience no one is ever really ready for kids. I know couples who decide to wait until they are financially ready but the time never seems right. That or they dont think that they are emotionally ready or they dont want to give up their lifestyle. I have two young children and we probobly werent ready either but their existence has made all of the hardship and changes in schedules well worth it. I know that most people who know they arent ready but do it anyway, instantly change when they see their child. If you do want to have kids eventually then I would say go for it; you dont want to be going into retirement when they are graduating high school :). Besides, I know for a fact that even though some lifestyle changes are necessary you dont have to go from clubber to soccer mom/dad the minute the child is born. My husband and I dont feel like we get out enough of course, but we do still get out and have a 'life' we just have our boys as well. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 8

Your never going to be ready, my husband and I felt the same way. You need to make sure your happy with each other before you do cause it's not an easy thing. yes approaching 34/35 is going for higher risk the longer you wait so if you planned to have kids when you got married go for it now before it's too late. Then you might wish you did. Plus it takes time to get pregnant. Some woman get pregnant right away 3-6 months some it takes years... good luck!

Answer 9

If you don't feel ready then it probably isn't a wise choice. Having a child is difficult, and it can be made worse if you feel you didn't really want to have it. However, when the baby comes you won't be able to imagine how your life was without it. If you do leave it a couple of years there are a lot of fertility treatments out there, and have you discussed adoption/fostering if you discover that you can't have children when you're ready. But remember, just because a marriage doesn't have children in it doesn't mean its not a happy marriage.

Answer 10

If you are both healthy and in good physical condition, wait for another year. If you are not ready now, then a baby will cause you a lot of stress and you won't be able to enjoy being parents. It might be a good idea to have a few sessions of counseling to find out why you aren't ready and if you ever will be ready. Having a child is a huge responsibility, but usually with great rewards. Ultimately, you must do what is best for both of you.

Answer 11

no, never have a child for any other reason than if you want it and are ready. 34/35 is not old...some of my friends are older and they are waiting until 40/45 ! an acquaintance of mine just turned 46 and her husband 50 and they just had their first child ! they wanted to be in a better place financially and relationship wise before they had a child and they are. they are also planning on having one more within the next two years. i guess medicine and life styles have really changed over the years so don't feel like the 'biological clock' ticking needs to make your decision for you. talk to your doctor about it all too, sometimes there are too many rumors and not enough fact when making a decision like this.

Answer 12

No. If you've waited this long, chances are youre never going to be ready.

Why have a baby you dont want? What if your parents did that?



Besides, at your age a baby is considerably more likely to be born with mental retardation, learning disabilities etc. I would suggest not having a child and putting your names on an adoption list so that in a few years when youre ready and not hindered by the silly "my clock is ticking" issue you can adopt a child.



No sense in having a child you dont want. You dont HAVE to spread your genes, its an unessicary instinct. And its likely that if you have to ask , you dont really want one do you?

Answer 13

I know the clock is ticking, but if common sense tells you to stay away from something, than you need to stay away. Kids are tough and a lot of responsibility. If you are not ready, this could hurt or endanger your marriage. My friend just had a child at 41, so take another year or two and revisit the idea of having a child. Maybe circumstances will change. A lot of times, patience pays off.

Answer 14

I wouldn't bring a child into the world and you are not ready. My husband and I did the exact same thing(we were 34/35 when we had our son), our son is 7 years old and although we don't regret him it has been trying for the both of us because it isn't easy raising a child at that age and now we are 41/42 and he is just 7 years old.

Answer 15

Don't have a child if you're not ready. Who knows you may never be ready and a child should definitely be a decision made mutually. In regards to age, there are lot of older parents now too (look at madonna) who wait until later on to have kids

Answer 16

I think it would be a mistake to go ahead despite your doubts, it is a massive life-changing thing that you can never come back from. Last thing you want to do is resent your kid because you didn't really want him in the first place.



I think you will know when or if you are ready and things will fall into place then. Also, if you don't think you're ready now, why do you think you ever will be?

Answer 17

No, you should not have a child if you both feel you are not ready. Having one won't make you feel ready either, you may just feel resentful and miss your old lifestyle. Some couples are never ready and choose to never have children and that is OK. It's not selfish. It would be worse to have kids just to comply to the social norm.

Answer 18

Depends what you mean by 'not ready'. I don't think anyone is really ready until it happens. It's not the sort of thing you can ever prepare for.

You may well find that once the pregnancy happens, you feel totally different. I didn't feel totally ready, but now I am pregnant I am so glad it happened.

On the other hand, if you really do not want children, then wait until you do.

Answer 19

There will never be a perfect time and no one is every completely ready to have kids. The thought of raising a child can be very scary but your instincts will take over and you will see that you are more ready then you think you are. Your whole life is about to turn upside down and you will some day thank God that it did. Wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you guys decide to have a child.

Answer 20

Please do not do it if you are not ready. I have friends that were thinking the same way and in 6 months of marriage they were expecting. 1 1/2 years later they are both stressed, and not happy. If your not ready....your not ready. If you are worried about the risk, start taking great care of yourself health wise, eat right, exercise, and take vitamins.....you will notice your not as old as you think. good luck..

This is were I go for health info and vitamins:

www.lef.org

Answer 21

Well if you are equipped to make a commitment to this child for the rest of you life go ahead. I got pregnant (unplanned) right away (I was 31) when we got married and we went with the flow and it was the best thing we did! Sometimes it just works out in the end.

Answer 22

I don't think you should. You have to be ready. Children take 100% commitment. Children are wonderful and precious and are alot of work. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

Answer 23

My opinion is that you are never ready to have kids. Nothing prepares you, but when you hold your little bundle of joy for the first time, all of your doubts and fears will disappear. It is the hardest job in the world, but definitely the most rewarding!

Answer 24

A Big NO! You have to be ready to have a child, it would not be fair to the child. If it was meant to be, then it will happen, but only when you're both ready.



You don't want to tell your child you had him, just because.

Answer 25

If you both agree that you are not ready, why ask the question. What do you want to do, put one on ice until you have both got what you want, done what you want ?? Its not as if you are buying a dog, don't be selfish.

Answer 26

As women reach their thirties, they experience a decline in fertility. Age-related decline in fertility may be due, in part, to the following:



A decrease in the number and health of the eggs to be ovulated.

A decrease in sperm counts.

A decrease in the frequency of intercourse.

The presence of other medical and gynecologic conditions, such as endometriosis, which may interfere with conception.

Is Pregnancy After Age 35 Safe?



While advances in medical care can help women over age 35 have safer pregnancies than in the past, health complications for this age group are higher than for younger women.



The risk of giving birth to a child with a birth defect does increase as the mother's age increases. This is probably due to abnormal division of the egg, called nondisjunction. The traditional age at which a woman is considered to be at high risk for chromosomal abnormalities is 35. Approximately 1 in 1,400 babies born from women in their 20's have Down syndrome; it increases to 1 in 100 babies born with Down syndrome from women in their 40's.



Studies show that the risk of miscarriage (loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation) is 12% to 15% for women in their 20's and rises to about 25% for women at age 40. The increased incidence of chromosomal abnormalities contributes to this increased risk of miscarriage in older women.



Pregnancy-Related Problems Are Associated With Pregnancy in Women 35 and Older?





Chronic health problems, such as diabetes or high blood pressure, are more common in women in their 30's and 40's.



High blood pressure and diabetes can develop for the first time during pregnancy, and women over the age of 30 are at increased risk



Stillhirth(delivery of a baby that has died before birth) is more common in women over age 35.



Cesarean birth is also slightly more common for women having their first child after age 35.



Still if you decide to postpone the decision some more take the follwing cares-



Be sure to get enough folic acid in your diet.



Limit your caffeine consumption



Maintain a healthy, well-balanced diet



Exercise regularly.



Don't drink alcohol or smoke during pregnancy



In addition, be sure to obtain prenatal care, especially early in your pregnancy



If you earnestly desire to have your own biological baby it is a different thing. But if you just want to satisfy your urge to care for somebody and bring him/her up there is nothing like adopting a baby

Answer 27

You are lucky to have this chance as my wife and I left it to late. If the two of you love bairns go for it, any doubts do not. Good luck and lots of love travels with this answer.

Answer 28

study show that the newest record of child birth is age 63... but that would be bad for the kid...



i think you should think it out, tell your family counsleor or doc, find out if your financially stable, etc etc. you noe the drill



GOOD LUCK IF YOU COME TO AN AGREEMENT!

Answer 29

What kind of doubts are you having? It is a very personal decision, but nobody is completely ready ever.

Answer 30

Greetings master....



you could give some thought to storing eggs/sperm and then just shake the cocktail when ur ready.

Answer 31

If you are not ready then wait...They change every part of your life so don`t have them until you two are ready for them

Answer 32

If you are not ready, then do not have kids. You will know when the time is right.

Answer 33

No, wait til you are both ready, its a tough job when you are ready..so take your time :)) good luck

Answer 34

If you are not ready to have kids then you shouldn't. You can always adopt or foster kids later.

Answer 35

Hi my names cathy and i have just found out that i'm pregnant,

I dont personaly think that anyone is totaly ready for children but if it happends it just happends and it makes you feel wonderfull, all i can suggest is that you give it ago, GOODLUCK

Answer 36

You're never really ready.

Do you WANT kids?

Are you willing to make sacrifices and lifestyle chances once they come?

If yes, then go for it.

Answer 37

Wait until you are ready, if its meant to be then it will happen!

Answer 38

If you are not ready, then think really hard. They change your life, every aspect.

Answer 39

There is always adoption and fostering, do some good for society...

Answer 40

someone once told me "if you wait till you feel ready, you'll never have kids.. you've just gotta go for it!"

Answer 41

do what you feel in your heart is right

Answer 42

if you are not ready then you are not ready ...simple as

Answer 43

if you are not ready for them, then no hunni